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Blue Humour


Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Stockport County fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a County fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "United," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Rag bastard kills family pet...".

A Manchester United scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Alex Ferguson is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself. The boy arrives in Manchester for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Solskjaer gets injured and is stretchered off. Ferguson points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us". The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd goes mad. After the game Ferguson gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room."Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office". The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?" "No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground." "God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry". "So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Salford."

A man is walking his three-legged dog on Platt Fields and finds a lamp which he picks up and removes the cork. Out pops a genie who says "Thank you for releasing me from the lamp, O Master. I have the power to grant you one wish - anything you desire". The man says "Can you make my dog win Crufts?" but the genie says "What, with only three legs? Wish again!". So the man thinks for a while and asks "Can you arrange for Tom Cleverly to become a top international midfielder then?" to which the genie replies "Let's have another look at that fucking dog".

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, the Archangel Gabriel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made." Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small populated area in the land of Great Britain and said "What's that?" "Ah," said God. "That's Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. There's a beautiful river, glorious parks, and buildings, and great music. The people from Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world as ex-patriots. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the lazy, arrogant, bastards I'm putting on the other end of the M62."

United have signed a new centre forward from Kabul United FC. Apparently on his first day at training, Ferguson picked up a ball and said: "Ball." Then he pointed at the goal and said: "Goal." Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said: "Kick. Understand? Kick, ball, goal. GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!" The Afghan striker was a little puzzled by this and summed up the courage to say "Excuse me, Mr. Ferguson, but I speak very good English." To which Ferguson replies: "Sit down, son. I'm talking to Welbeck."

A City fan and a United fan get into a car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the City fan says, "So you're a United fan, that's interesting. I'm a City fan... Shit! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The United fan replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The City fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the United fan. The United fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the City fan. The City fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the United fan. The United fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The City fan replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up..."

A man receives a free ticket to watch Manchester City. Unfortunately when he arrives at Maine Road he realises the seat is right at the back of the stadium. About halfway through the first half he notices an empty seat 10 rows from the pitch, right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way down to the empty seat. When he arrives, he asks a man sitting next to the empty seat "Excuse me but is anyone sitting here?" The man says "No". "That's incredible... Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not use it?" he says. "Well, the seat belongs to my wife," says the man, " But she passed away. This is the first game we haven't been at together since 1967." "That's really sad," says the man,"But couldn't you find a relative or friend who wanted the seat?" "No" came the reply "They're all at the funeral."

A young diehard City fan, who also happens to be a devout Catholic, goes to Rome with his mum. His big desire is to speak to the Pope. His mum tells him that the Pope will be doing a run round Rome in the popemobile the next morning and that he should wear his City shirt as the Pope is a big football fan and may stop to talk to him if he sees his football shirt. Next morning the lad is decked out in his City shirt and gets a place right at the front of the crowd. As the Popemobile approaches it slows down and his heart starts to pound, but his excitement turns to dismay as it passes. The dismay turns to despair as the Popemobile stops further down and the Pope gets out and talks to a young lad in a United shirt. The City lad, overcome with grief goes back to his hotel with his mum and cries all night long. When he awakes in the morning he sees a United shirt on the end of his bed. His mum comes in the room and says that he should wear it when the Pope does his tour of the City that day, to catch his attention as he obviously knows United from their European exploits. The boy remonstrates and says he could never wear a United shirt, but eventually his mum convinces him it is the best way to get to speak to the Pope. So sure enough the little lad wears the shirt and pushes his way to the front of the crowd. This time as the Popemobile approaches his heart pounds as it slows down, and this time stops. The Pope gets out and approaches him, leans forward, puts his hand on the lad's shoulder and says "I thought I told you yesterday, fuck off back to London."