Two
boys are playing football in the park when one of them is
attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips
a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar
and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper
reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and
pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes,
"Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal."
The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The
reporter starts again: "Stockport County fan saves friend
from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm
not a County fan either." The reporter asks: "Who
do you support, then?" "United," replies the
boy. So the reporter starts again: "Rag bastard kills
family pet...".
A Manchester United scout returns from Bosnia raving about
a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country.
Alex Ferguson is convinced and is so desperate for no one
else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking
at him for himself. The boy arrives in Manchester for Saturday's
game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Solskjaer
gets injured and is stretchered off. Ferguson points to the
new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out
there and do the business for us". The lad strips off
his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes
he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd goes mad.
After the game Ferguson gives the new boy a big hug in the
changing room."Great performance son. Go and give your
parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can
use the phone in my office". The lad goes into the boss's
office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had the best
debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy
though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?" "No,
son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot,
they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to
the ground." "God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really
sorry". "So you should be. It was your idea for
all of us to move to Salford."
A man is walking his three-legged dog on Platt Fields and
finds a lamp which he picks up and removes the cork. Out pops
a genie who says "Thank you for releasing me from the
lamp, O Master. I have the power to grant you one wish - anything
you desire". The man says "Can you make my dog win
Crufts?" but the genie says "What, with only three
legs? Wish again!". So the man thinks for a while and
asks "Can you arrange for Diego Forlan to become a top
international striker then?" to which the genie replies
"Let's have another look at that fucking dog".
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days. Eventually, the Archangel Gabriel found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where
have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction
and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Gabriel, look what I've made." Archangel Gabriel looked
puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet,"
replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused. God
explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For
example, North America will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth while South America is going to be poor. Over there
I've placed a continent of white people and over there is
a continent of black people" God continued, pointing
to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot
and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
small populated area in the land of Great Britain and said
"What's that?" "Ah," said God. "That's
Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. There's a beautiful
river, glorious parks, and buildings, and great music. The
people from Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent
and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the
world as ex-patriots. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working
and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the
world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Gabriel gasped
in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there will be balance!" God replied
wisely, "Wait until you see the lazy, arrogant, bastards
I'm putting on the other end of the M62."
United have signed a new centre forward from Kabul United
FC. Apparently on his first day at training, Ferguson picked
up a ball and said: "Ball." Then he pointed at the
goal and said: "Goal." Then he demonstrated a kicking
motion and said: "Kick. Understand? Kick, ball, goal.
GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!" The Afghan striker was a little
puzzled by this and summed up the courage to say "Excuse
me, Mr. Ferguson, but I speak very good English." To
which Ferguson replies: "Sit down, son. I'm talking to
Giggs."
David Beckham dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes
him on tour. He shows Beckham a little two-room house with
a faded united banner hanging from the front porch. "This
is your house, David. Most people don't get their own houses
up here," God says. Beckham looks at the house, then
turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill.
It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns
and little patios under all the windows. City flags line both
sides of the driveway and a huge City banner hangs between
the marble columns. All the way up the drive are huge statues
of great City players from history. "Thanks for the house,
God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room
house with a faded banner and Shaun Goater gets a huge mansion
with banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at Beckham seriously for a moment. "That's
not the Goat's house", God says "That's my house."
A City fan and a United fan get into a car accident. Both
cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them
is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the City fan
says, "So you're a United fan, that's interesting. I'm
a City fan... Shit! Just look at our cars, there's nothing
left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days." The United fan replied, "I
agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The City fan continued, "And look at this - here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and
celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle
to the United fan. The United fan nods his head in agreement,
opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing
it back to the City fan. The City fan takes the bottle, immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the United fan.
The United fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The
City fan replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the
police to turn up..."
A man receives a free ticket to watch Manchester City. Unfortunately
when he arrives at Maine Road he realises the seat is right
at the back of the stadium. About halfway through the first
half he notices an empty seat 10 rows from the pitch, right
on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes
his way down to the empty seat. When he arrives, he asks a
man sitting next to the empty seat "Excuse me but is
anyone sitting here?" The man says "No". "That's
incredible... Who in their right mind would have a seat like
this and not use it?" he says. "Well, the seat belongs
to my wife," says the man, " But she passed away.
This is the first game we haven't been at together since 1967."
"That's really sad," says the man,"But couldn't
you find a relative or friend who wanted the seat?" "No"
came the reply "They're all at the funeral."
A young diehard City fan, who also happens to be a devout
Catholic, goes to Rome with his mum. His big desire is to
speak to the Pope. His mum tells him that the Pope will be
doing a run round Rome in the popemobile the next morning
and that he should wear his City shirt as the Pope is a big
football fan and may stop to talk to him if he sees his
football shirt. Next morning the lad is decked out in his
City shirt and gets a place right at the front of the crowd.
As the Popemobile approaches it slows down and his heart starts
to pound, but his excitement turns to dismay as it passes.
The dismay turns to despair as the Popemobile stops further
down and the Pope gets out and talks to a young lad in a United
shirt. The City lad, overcome with grief goes back to his
hotel with his mum and cries all night long. When he awakes
in the morning he sees a United shirt on the end of his bed.
His mum comes in the room and says that he should wear it
when the Pope does his tour of the City that day, to catch
his attention as he obviously knows United from their European
exploits. The boy remonstrates and says he could never wear
a United shirt, but eventually his mum convinces him it is
the best way to get to speak to the Pope. So sure enough the
little lad wears the shirt and pushes his way to the front
of the crowd. This time as the Popemobile approaches his heart
pounds as it slows down, and this time stops. The Pope gets
out and approaches him, leans forward, puts his hand on the
lad's shoulder and says "I thought I told you yesterday,
fuck off back to London." |
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