In the light of our new found American heritage it has been decided that our name should change to reflect this. Therefore we have decided upon the name Soccer Club United of Manchester, or alternatively the acronym SCUM. Soon to be playing in front of crowds which may reach three figures at a sub standard non-league ground near you...

Following on from our less than successful armistice on Nike products we feel that we may achieve more success if we instead ask you to dispense of your fake Prada and Burberry merchandise instead. Skips will be provided in the following locations: Surrey, Singapore and Salford.

Recent media reports suggest that Malcolm Glazer is considering selling his stake in the world's greatest club^TM after discovering that 30 (yes thirty) men in black held a protest at a UEFA meeting at the highly impressive City of Manchester stadium. This was arguably United's best European performance for a number of years, and follows on from the reserve team pitch invasion of 15 MiBs last year, in front of a television audience of literally hundreds. The campaign is gathering momentum, and we hope to have around 45 MiBs in our next flash mob. With numbers like this Glazer will have to take notice. What do you mean season ticket sales have gone up...

Our resident overweight, ear-ring wearing joker Boylie has got a new CD out, very reasonably priced at just £13. The hilarious ditties include endless songs about Manchester's own club City (not that we're obsessed with them or anything), and also the original classic 'Eric the King' (although all royalties for that have to be paid to City who were singing the same song some thirty year previously for Colin Bell).

Online now: users from the Home Counties, London, Ireland and South East Asia discussing topics as diverse as 'Beer' and 'Am I Gay?' (seriously), and juvenile bragging about invading other club's forums. Bad spelling and grammar are mandatory, as is a complete lack of humour. Smilies are very much encouraged, as we lack the necessary language skills to convey emotions through words (the average mental age of our users is around twelve).